All the Jokes from the Justin Bieber Roast. They're Pretty Great.

At least this time they're roasting someone even marginally relevant.

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  • This weekend, Comedy Central's best and contractually-available gathered to roast the easiest target in pop culture history who hasn't been part of a famous trial: Justin Bieber. The butt of many jokes and tween posters, Bieber has become an international icon and poster boy for the worst way to handle childhood fame. Found on YouTube before the whole YouTube thing was even a thing, Bieber is a phenomenon in of himself and has made a career of making young girls scream, and perpetually ruining his public image. So this is a pretty smart move on his PR team's move and actually garnered some of the best jokes we've ever seen on one of these things since his fame has actually happened during the conscious lifespan of people watching the show.

    Here are some of the best jokes from the roast, which actually airs on March 30, 2015 on Comedy Central.

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  • Host Kevin Hart's Jokes:
    “Tonight we’re going to give what his parents and the legal system should have done years ago,” host Kevin Hart said. “We’re going to give this boy an ass-whoopin’.”

    “Ebola patients hear about ‘Bieber fever’ and say, ‘I’m gonna go ahead and ride this one out.'”

    "Justin's Canadian. He's actually considered American, because no Canadian has ever been this much of an asshole."

    "Selena Gomez couldn't be here tonight. Just because she didn't want to be here."

    "Bieber has 10 million fans – most are in middle schools, or standing at least 500 feet away from one."

    Jeff Ross's Jokes:
    “Selena Gomez wanted to be here, but she’s dating men now,”

    "You've become a cocky little sh*t. You are the King Joffrey of pop."

    “Is it true you dumped her because she grew a mustache before you?”

    "Lately a lot of people have been pointing their fingers at you — and those are just lesbians showing the barber how they want their haircut."

    "If Anne Frank had heard your music, she would've Uber'd to Auschwitz."

    "... You haven't put out an album in three years. What are you doing? If you listen closely you can hear the sounds of One Direction f*cking your fans."

    Ludacris tears it up, actually:
    “Justin Bieber wants to be black so bad, he’s actually seen Kevin Hart’s movies in theaters.”

    "You're not tough, Justin. I'm here to let you know that. I know you've been on Ellen 14 times. You act so much like a pussy on the show, Ellen tried to eat you."

    "You're like our beetles. Not the band, but the bugs that live in sh*t."

    Chris D'Elia's Jokes:
    “You have it all. Except love, friends, good parents, and a Grammy."

    "Those Calvin Klein billboards you made are terrible. And I was in Whitney."

    Hannibal Buress's Jokes:
    “They say that you roast the ones you love, but I don’t like you at all, man. I’m just here because it’s a real good opportunity for me. Actually you should thank me for participating in this extremely transparent attempt to be more likable in the public eye. And, I hope it doesn’t work.”

    "I hate your music more than Bill Cosby hates my comedy."

    "You gotta give it up for Justin. He started from the bottom... and he's still a bottom."

    Shaq's Jokes:
    “Justin, as a father of six you have to straighten up, son. Last year, you were ranked the fifth most hated person of all time. Kim Jong-Un didn’t rank that low. And he uses your music to torture people.”

    Snoop Dogg's Jokes:
    “You bought a monkey! I mean, that monkey was more embarrassed than the one that started the AIDS epidemic.”

    "Congratulations Hannibal Buress, you are only the Bill Cosby accuser making money off of him."

    "You have left so many horrible and unwatchable videos, you should change your name to Vanilla ISIS."

    "Justin's life changed when Usher heard one of his songs and liked it, which only goes to prove that Usher ain't black."

    Marthat Stewart Tries to Bang Justin Bieber:
    “You need to settle down, bring some balance into your life. Find yourself the right gal, but she’s going to have to really special, someone on your level, someone powerful and famous and rich. Someone you can smoke a joint with or engage in the occasional three-way. I’m talking about a player in the boardroom and a freak in the bedroom... So, Justin, my final piece of advice is, call me.”

    "All these rappers on stage and Martha stewart has done the most jail time."

    "Justin, you have no idea what you're in for. I'm sure it's great to have 60 million followers on Twitter, but the only place people will be following you in jail is into the shower."

    Pete Davidson's Jokes:
    "Usher is the one who took you under his wing. You're the worst thing that Usher has done to America, since the guy who sat John Wilkes Booth behind Abraham Lincoln."

    Nathasha Leggero's Jokes:
    "Justin's fans are called Beliebers, because these days it's considered politically incorrect to use the term retards."

    "Justin, Selena Gomez had to f*ck you. She is literally the least lucky Selena in all of entertainment history."

    "Kevin, you are everywhere. He is going to be on the next season of Game of Thrones. He's going to play Peter Dinklage's shadow."

    Bieber's Retorts, Which Were Actually Better Than Most of the Other Jokes:
    “What do you get when you give a teenager $200 million? A bunch of has-beens calling you a lesbian for two hours.”

    "Martha, thanks for coming. I know that's something you probably don't do much of anymore."

  • So it looks like it was the funniest roast to come out of Comedy Central in at least a decade, everyone had fun, and Bieber's PR gurus got to keep their jobs for another year.

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