Boasting an 18% thinner and 795% taller body than its predecessor, the new iPhone reduces scrolling fatigue (totally a real thing) while reading long documents and turns your device into a life-size proxy of a guitar neck, lightsaber, tape measure, and ultra receptive antenna.
FaceTime? A thing of the past. BodyTime replaces that once revolutionary feature, allowing you to chat with friends in full body view and "detect mannerisms and defects like never before."
With all of these necessary features, you'd be out of your mind not to drink the Apple Kool-Aid.
And, wait, was that Mohawk Guy -- a.k.a. Bobak Ferdowsi of NASA livestream fame -- playing the iPhone 5 guitar?!