Woman Gets Stung By a Motherf*cking Scorpion on a Motherf*cking Plane

Republicans are going to be so angry.

This weekend a scorpion stowed away on an Alaska Airlines flight which originated in Mexico, meaning that there was an illegal scorpion on the ground in U.S. territory. Luckily, flight attendants killed the scorpion and now we have one less illegal immigrant in the country.

Oh also the scorpion stung a lady, who is totally fine and makes me much less scared of scorpions because I’ve really always thought a scorpion sting was insta-death, so at least there’s an uplifting part of the story.

An Alaska Airlines flight headed toward Portland this weekend failed to kill a record amount of hipsters by accidentally carrying a scorpion in it, which bit a woman on the hand while the plane was on the ground at LAX. Flight attendants reacted appropriately, killed the thing, the woman was seen by doctors and is in good health, and everyone told a bunch of Samuel L. Jackson jokes and had a really great day.

Anyway, the most important part about this story is that this could have been you, but it wasn’t this time, but some day it may be. So be very scared and don’t turn your lights off or random Mexican scorpions will bite you right when your pre-flight Xanax is kicking in.