El-Niño-Scattered-Thunderstorm-Pocalypse-Mageddon Is Coming To Los Angeles!

Ah, Los Angeles in July. 82 degrees. Not a cloud in the sky. A crisp ocean breeze. 91 degrees. Condensing storm clouds. Occasional bolts of lightning. Flash floods. All manner of skullfuckery. A city in shambles. Looting for every last can of baked beans. Certain doom. Certain doom. Certain doom.

El Niño is happening, people. It is going to rain. Maybe. In July.

The source of this week’s expected storms is a monsoonal system centered over Arizona and Texas via Mexico, forecasters said.

The unusually warm waters in the Pacific are behaving like a siren for hurricanes off Mexico like Dolores, which drew humid air and punishing thunderstorms north to California, where they slammed head-on with the state’s drought conditions, forecasters say.

That’s not some tabloid rag printing these warnings. That’s the LOS ANGELES TIMES.

Are you people listening to what I’m fucking saying? Our city is not prepared for this. Lightning could stab its bolty finger right through the roof of my Mazda while I’m on the interchange between the 101 and the 134!

The thunderstorms are most likely to develop in mountain, inland valley and desert areas, but coastal areas might see them as well, according to the NWS.

“Any storms that develop by Thursday will be capable of producing heavy downpours, dangerous cloud-to-ground lightning, strong gusty winds and flash flooding,” the NWS said.

Gusty. Gusty?! You can’t spell “gusty” without “deSTrUctive” and add “gy.” Hmmm…what word ends with gy – an ORGY of climate-related pain?

Clearly, the answer is yes. The same flood rains that crushed Turkey a thousand feet below Noah are here. Here’s what Weather.com says is in store for me this weekend.