I’m sorry if you had plans to be a productive member of society today, because the media is now reporting that TRUE LOVE IS DEAD AND EVERYTHING IS HOPELESS AND WE MIGHT AS WELL GO BACK TO BED FOR A FEW HOURS AND TYPE EVERYTHING IN ALL CAPS FOR THE REST OF THE DAY. We have confirmation that charming douchebro Blake Shelton and edgy country sweetheart Miranda Lambert are calling it quits on their four-year marriage.
Yep. The love apocalypse that we all predicted when Will Arnett and Amy Poehler separated– that was just confirmed by Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner– has taken two new victims. Blake and Miranda are just rubbing salt in our fresh wounds. I prayed prayed prayed for a sign sign sign but no light came at the end of the tunnel. Neon or otherwise.
The couple released this statement:
This is not the future we envisioned and it is with heavy hearts that we move forward separately. We are real people, with real lives, with real families, friends and colleagues. Therefore, we kindly ask for privacy and compassion concerning this very personal matter.
But who’s getting custody of the little red wagon? Who’s going to wear the bedazzled MRS. SHELTON belt now? Are the masses of Blake Shelton/Adam Levine hopefuls finally going to get the chance to see their ship take sail?
All hyperbole aside, we sincerely hope that Miranda and Blake are given the respect they deserve and that they have time and space to heal. We also sincerely hope that another celebrity marriage will crop up and restore our faith in the world. Is that so much to ask?