John Oliver Reminds America What We’re Missing Out On

As we Americans enjoy the Fourth of July, John Oliver from “Last Week Tonight” wants us to remember what this long weekend is all about — generally being rude and dismissive of the British. And while that has worked out pretty well for us as a country, it hasn’t come without its sacrifices.

“I’d just like to take a quick moment to remind you of what you’re missing out on by celebrating your independence,” he says in a web exclusive, as the show goes on hiatus for the holiday.

The first and most obvious thing is giving up the British accent. “These beautiful vowel sounds could have been yours. But instead, from sea to shining sea, you speak like you just burned your tongue on a hot apple pie.”

Americans have also had to go without bowler hats, and meat pies, “which are a lot like British people themselves — a hardened outer layer gives the impression of composure, but under the surface, it’s just a hot fucking mess.”

Most importantly, we’ve had to abandon the classic British pessimism that gives John Oliver his endless sarcasm.

“Americans are optimistic people who believe the sky is the limit, whereas in Britain, we are painfully aware of our limits. In fact, just look at the British sky itself. Even the sun is incapable of asserting itself there.”

All things considered, America got a pretty good deal out of the whole thing.