This Old Man Straight Up Punched a Bear in the Face

  • America’s newest folk hero is 73-year-old Carl Moore. This California man came face-to-face with a bear outside his home. While mere mortals like ourselves might run away or maybe call wildlife officials, this modern day Paul Bunyan simply walked up to the bear and punched it in the face!

    “The man or beast that I run from ain’t been born, and his momma’s already dead,” Moore told local CBS station WKOVR. Moore likely felt confident in this assertion because he is a real like folk hero and stands 20 feet tall (unconfirmed).

  • The damsel in distress in this tale was Moore’s pet Chihuahua, Lacy. Moore heard whimpering outside his home and found a bear threatened his beloved pooch. So he put down the Buick-sized flapjack he was presumably eating for breakfast and ran out to show that bear who’s boss.

    “And I raised both hands in the air and I cussed at him, ‘Rrraaaaaaa! Get out of here you bastard, and he looked at me like ‘Go eff yourself,” He told KOVR.

    Just like when Pecos Bill carved out the Rio Grande because he was thirsty, Carl Moore wasn’t going to let the reality of coming face-to-face with a bear get in the way of his heroics. So he cracked that bear right in the head.

    “He come up like this, and turned, boom, I hit him hard. Tyler said I damn corkscrewed his head,” Moore said.

  • Moore then left to travel this great land with Lacy at his side, righting wrongs and kicking the crap out of bears. Because Carl Moore is an American hero.