Mystery poopers. They’re the cases that continuously cause us to consider chaos. If our beautiful suburban worlds, so isolated, so seemingly well earned with manicured lawns and white picket fences can have mysterious figures who defecate left and right as if the social contract was just a very unnecessary suggestion, then are any of us safe? We’ve discussed how one high school found out their phantom pooper was a neighboring school’s superintendent, but in this case, the offender is someone much more banal… just a friendly neighbor. And, folks — this Brisbane citizen worked hard not to get caught.
It began with one of the grimmest parts of discovering a crime: finding the evidence. Steve Smith, a resident of Greenslopes said his place was “getting hit frequently” by said poops. Not simply poops, but toilet paper was next to them as well! Whoever was pooping these little turdy crimes was coming prepared to clean his butt! Clean butt, dirty neighborhood? Truly this vile nonsense of a human being was ready for chaos and madness in equal measure, but Smith did the only thing a true vigilante could do with the power of such a horrifying situation… he hid in the bushes and waited for this dude to make-a da poopie!
And make a poopie he did! In a repulsive photo now flying around online, we see mystery pooper Andrew Douglas Macintosh, quality manager at a retirement village company and a member of the Brisbane City Council Board, grinding out one of his now world-famous poops. Reportedly, Smith was waiting for some kind of altercation, but Macintosh just greeted him and jogged away. You can see the repulsive uncensored photo of the pooper caught, here. I hate the photo. No one should see it. I only do this out of my journalistic integrity.
Macintosh has been charged with one count of public nuisance after leaving thirty poops. This has been Alex Firer with the most important news of the day — a pooping man in another continent.
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