Showing your kids that you trust them is so important for their emotional development, but you can’t afford to trust them completely. There’s a reason that minors are legally under your care, and sometimes, you have to protect them from themselves.
Kids are not to be trusted. It’s in their nature to try to bend the rules and make reckless decisions because they never have enough information or maturity to make truly reasonable decisions. Still, you can’t show it that way.
So, what do you do when choosing between being a protective parent and a trusting parent?
You choose a third path!
Being a protective parent is always better, but you don’t necessarily have to make this obvious. With that in mind, here’s how you can be a lot subtler while protecting them.
1. Installing a monitoring software
First of all, you need to keep in mind that your kids really don’t have to know that you’re monitoring them. You don’t want to show them that you doubt their abilities because you want them to feel encouraged, but there are some challenges that they just cannot face on their own, and it would be irresponsible of you to let them.
This is why monitoring software is such an amazing idea. You can install it without them knowing, and you never have to tell them. Even when you notice that they’re doing something wrong, you don’t have to disclose how you found out; you’re not in court. Moreover, it’s better that they don’t know since they won’t be able to avoid it in the future. A good detective will never reveal their source.
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One more thing you need to keep in mind is that it’s 100% legal for a parent to install monitoring software like those reviewed by Amy Clark in this article. This way, they can feel like you trust them while you’re still protecting them.
2. Encouraging screen time limits
Next, it’s always good to have a decent justification for your actions. For instance, when limiting their screen time, you need to explain that it’s a health-based decision. Now, you can’t go too far into technical medical terms. This is not a good idea. The thing is that you want to choose language that they understand, something that they care about.
Telling them that it could impair their cognitive abilities would fall flat even when told to an adult. However, telling them that they’ll have a hard time remembering things is something else entirely.
Next, you want to suggest “family screen-free time.” Why? Well, kids need rules, and they need you to show them that the rules are not just for them. You can’t tell them to leave their phone and then sit on TikTok for hours in front of them. They’ll start resenting these rules, and with a good reason. This can turn you into a far more proactive parent, as well.
This can be turned into an important bonding opportunity, and it will prevent you from seeming too controlling.
3. Suggesting instead of insisting
If you want them to use safer apps, introduce them as cool or helpful, not just educational or restrictive. Why would they agree to a more restrictive app? You need to understand that while their interests and theirs align in the long run, they’re kids, and they don’t have long-term plans.
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If you want to convince them to use a tracking app, you can present it as a two-sided tool. Not only will I be able to see where you are, but you will also be able to track my movement. Phrase it as “Let’s make sure we can find each other” rather than “I need to see where you are.”
You also have to show some restraint. The last thing you want is to spend all your time just looking at this app while they’re at school. Check it every now and again or when you actually have a reason to (they’re late or not where they’re supposed to be).
Keep it casual in conversation. There’s no need to try to turn this into big talk. You don’t have to sit them down and make a formal request. Just mention it. This will make them feel like they have more say in it. If you’re subtle and skilled enough, you could even convince them that it’s their idea.
4. Low-key check their social media
Kids are getting social media younger and younger. Sure, it’s not the best practice, but you don’t want your kid to be a social pariah. Being absent from a class chat doesn’t feel good, and they might miss out on some pretty important talking points even when they reunite with their friends in person.
You need to allow them to use social media but supervise this activity of theirs. Instead of snooping, you should just ask them about their online activities and favorite influencers. They’ll be happy to show you. This will give you an insight into the type of content they’re following. In fact, they might even jump on the opportunity to show you.
You can offer to share cool content with them, and they might return the favor. This is another underhanded way you can get the information you need.
You also need to avoid judging them. Sure, you don’t care about Roblox, and you find the entire concept of Skibidi repulsive, but if you show this openly, they might withdraw and stop being as open with you as they could have been.
5. Try to guide their friends’ choices
Telling your kids who they should or shouldn’t hang out with is too forceful and ineffective. However, you could influence their choices more subtly.
First, instead of grilling them about their friends, invite them over for group activity. This gives you a chance to see their interactions naturally without prying too much or making them feel uncomfortable.
You should suggest group activities where you can see how they get along with their friends. This will give you a clearer picture of the overall social dynamics in a relaxed setting.
Instead of forbidding certain friends, gently nudge them toward others who you believe are a positive influence. Praising the friends you approve of or arranging more time for them to hang out is incredibly subtle and can help guide their choices.
Lastly, telling your child not to hang out with someone will usually have the opposite effect. Instead of negative comments, you should focus on reinforcing what you want to see. Positivity is a much stronger influence than prohibition.
Being Subtler is Better for Everyone
Being a controlling parent is a term that’s so overused and abused in this day and age, and it always has a negative connotation. However, being protective of your kids and being there for them is not really a bad thing. It is, however, to do this as softly as possible. This is good for your relationship with them and their self-confidence. Now that you know how it will take minimal effort on your part.
