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"Emoji: The Movie" Coming Soon to a Pirated Website Near You!

Hollywood's hatred of original stories and characters grows even more savage

  • Money smiley

    Those lovable little smiley faces your mom just found out about last week, the Emoji, are coming to the big screen. Ha ha, no no, just kidding, you'll watch it on your phone.

    But nonetheless, Sony Pictures Animation has reportedly won a BIDDING WAR between THREE STUDIOS for an original Emoji-themed movie script. The script was written by Eric Siegel and Anthony Leondis, best known for writing the TBS sitcom "Men at Work" and directing the DreamWorks short "Kung Fu Panda: Secrets of the Masters," respectively.

    I know, I know, why isn't Fincher working on this next? But I guess he had a scheduling conflict.

    If you're a fellow hopeful screenwriter who's looking for some small ray of hope in all this, let me just add that the final deal was reportedly near seven figures. So, if your latest spec doesn't include the phrases "He-Man," "YOLO" or "belfie," it might be time to take on more hours at the Jiffy Lube.

    No word yet on what the film will be about, but if the Emoji don't, at some point, do a choreographed routine to "Uptown Funk" or "Shut Up and Dance," I think we can all safely ask for our money back because we have been cheated.

  • Information desk person

    OK, enough snark. Let's start fancasting this thing. First up, I'd say 100% we need Reese Witherspoon as "Information Desk Lady." Some other What's Trending employees using our social media accounts right now might tell you Anna Kendrick is a better choice, but they are wrong. Hayley.

  • Smiling cat face with heart shaped eyes

    Smiling Cat with Hearts for Eyes? Totally Vin Diesel. Yes, you're right, I'm very very good at this.

  • Two women holding hands

    Two Women Holding Hands? Have to be Tina Fey and Amy Poehler. Because they're roles for two females so mentioning these actresses is now the law.

  • Ok hand sign

    OK Hand Sign is getting tougher, because hands don't technically have mouths or the ability to speak. (Unlike your typical Heart-Eye Cat.) But I'm going with Morgan Freeman. Because nothing makes you feel like it's all going to be alright like narration from Morgan Freeman.

  • Dancer

    Catherine Zeta-Jones for Red Dress Dancing Lady seems obvious.

  • Pile of poo

    And finally, for Pile of Poo, I'm going with Tom Kenny, the voice of "Spongebob Squarepants." Why? Because we asked him to do a Pile of Poo voice for us back in May and he TOTALLY NAILED IT.

  • See? TOP THAT, Daniel Day-Lewis! Actually, don't, because that would mean you're going to live for 6 months as a sentient pile of poo to get into character, and that sounds like the world's most disturbing behind-the-scenes Blu-Ray featurette EVER.

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