Lilly Jay, a clinical psychologist specializing in perinatal mental health and child development, is opening up about the emotional toll of her divorce from Broadway actor Ethan Slater. In a heartfelt essay published in The Cut on Thursday, December 18, Jay, who is also the mother of their 2-year-old son, addressed her challenges navigating both her personal life and her role as a mother amid the public fallout surrounding their split.
Although Jay does not directly name Ariana Grande, Slater’s current girlfriend and Wicked costar, the essay touches on her former husband’s relationship with the pop star, which began after his separation from Jay earlier this year. In the piece, Jay explores the personal impact of their divorce, offering insight into her emotional journey and the challenges of adjusting to life as a single mother.
“I never thought I would get divorced. Especially not just after giving birth to my first child, and especially not in the shadow of my husband’s new relationship with a celebrity,” Jay writes, reflecting on the unexpected end of her marriage and the public scrutiny that followed.
Jay’s essay centers on the profound shift she experienced after the dissolution of her marriage. As a mother, she has learned that while motherhood occupies her time, it does not always fill her mind. “In the countless hours I spend rocking my son to sleep, pushing his stroller, marveling at his sweaty little hands grasping a crayon, I work diligently on my private project of accepting the sudden public downfall of my marriage,” she writes.
The emotional pain of the divorce, compounded by the new, very public chapter of her ex-husband’s life, has been difficult to process. But through it all, Jay has found solace in her son. “Slowly but surely, I have come to believe that in the absence of the life I planned with my high-school sweetheart, a lifetime of sweetness is waiting for me and my child,” she added, offering a hopeful note despite the ongoing challenges.
The timeline of events surrounding Slater and Jay’s separation adds complexity to the situation. The actor, 32, and Grande, 31, began dating shortly after Slater’s separation from Jay. Their divorce was finalized in September, following 12 years together, including nearly six years of marriage. Their son was born in August 2022, just a few months before their split was publicly announced.
Jay’s essay also highlights the difficulty of adjusting to public life after living a more private existence as a clinical psychologist. “In this season of shock and mourning, over a year after the end of my marriage was made public, I deeply miss the life of invisibility I created for myself as a psychologist specializing in women’s mental health,” she admits. The divorce, especially with its high-profile nature, has made her feel exposed in ways she had never anticipated.
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While some of Jay’s past acquaintances have reached out following the tabloid coverage, she notes that her patients have remained silent, making her feel further isolated. “At the Children’s Hospital, my invisibility was welcome protection from hard conversations for me and my patients,” Jay explained. “And while I still firmly believe in following my patients’ leads and not presuming to know what parts of my personhood resonate with them, the publicity I did not consent to increasingly feels like both a challenge and an opportunity.”
Throughout her essay, Jay reflects on the vulnerability of her personal life, which has been thrust into the spotlight. “If I’m discovered — as what, being vulnerable? — perhaps it could be a point of connection rather than a clinical liability,” she writes, suggesting that her openness might offer a chance for others to connect with her in a meaningful way.
She also shared that she feared the combined weight of loss and postpartum depression could “destroy me for my entire adult life.” However, she adds that despite the struggles, she is “okay.” The emotional journey has been difficult, but Jay is determined to take control of her narrative. “If I can’t be invisible anymore, I may as well introduce myself,” she says, embracing her messy, imperfect reality. “You know how a sponge is most effective at absorbing liquid when it’s already a bit wet? Maybe we can think about my messy not-so-personal life in that way: a dose of my own loss, rage, powerlessness, sadness that helps me hold yours.”
Jay’s candid reflections on motherhood, divorce, and personal growth offer a glimpse into her resilience. As she continues to navigate life after her marriage with Slater, she finds strength in the love for her son and the lessons learned through hardship.
